Patrice O'Neal Lives!

Patrice O'Neal

In my life I had 9 different roommates I've lived with. All of whom I had to curse out to get the rent money on time. Raising my pressure & stressing me out.

Then Patrice O'Neal came along and did the opposite. He would always pay the rent and bills on time but he would also curse me out. I didn't understand it but for once I was getting the rent and bills paid on time and I was not the one doing the cursing but getting cursed at. I loved it!

If Patrice didn't curse you out then he didn't like you.One day I said "Patrice, why you curse & trashed everyone but that one dude over there?" Patrice said "cause I don't like him. He doesn't deserve my verbal abuse!"

He squash all my stereo-types that I had of overweight people... He was clean, good hygiene, wasn't lazy, didn't leave snacks around the house, and didn't have a hard time getting women.

Yet along the years I learned there are a lot of things I can say about Patrice O'Neal.

Like when he first moved in and we became roommates, I caught him trying to sneak a girl who wasn't to appealing to the eye, out the apartment. Patrice is Thoughtful

When Patrice was trying to find himself, many comedy clubs ban him because he would not stop his outrageous rants. Then a few years later those same clubs begged him to come back. Patrice is a Renegade Leader

Many days and nights Patrice would have me laughing uncontrollably and I felt very bless because the world would have his comedy only for about an hour and I had it 24/7. Patrice is Amazingly Funny

I can call Patrice about anything and he'd always have an answer. If Google had a customer service that you can call, it'd be Patrice. Patrice is Incredibly Smart

When people couldn't understand what I was saying because of my speech impediment, Patrice would chime in and and say "I can translate cause I speak fluent Wil" Patrice is Bi-Lingual

Patrice would spend thousands of dollars to buy food for 4th of July & Thanks Giving, cook it all, and invite all his friends & family over. Then curse everyone in the house out. Patrice is Love

Yet on November 29, 2011 one thing I thought I would never say is Patrice is dead :(

But 2 things I will never stop saying is Patrice is my Best Friend

And I say "is" and not "was" cause Patrice O'Neal LIVES ON for ever!

PS: "POWS" is how Patrice said how I would pronounce "pals". He would mock me and say "...of course Wil we're pows!" I didn't hear it that way. I thought I was pronouncing "pals" correctly. Coincedently "POWS" also stand for Patrice O'Neal Wil Sylvince - um... no homo.

Thank you Patrice O'Neal

Wil Sylvince

I Really Have To Go Right NOW!!

I Really Have To Go Right NOW!!
Taking a crap is not a popular topic to talk about. No one really talk about taking a dump cause it's too personal, nasty, or a mood spoiler. It's hard to bring it up at work, home, or anywhere else for that matter. Because there's no good time to bring it up. You don't want to talk about during breakfast, lunch or dinner.

Guy: You want some pancakes?
Girl: No, cause the syrup makes me shit.
Guy: What?! Nobody wanna here that shit now!

I do know women love to go to the bathroom before they go out so their stomachs can be flatter. You ever had a girl friend who can't leave the house until she poops.

Friend: Come on girl lets go!
Girl: Not yet, one more cup of hot tea and I'll be good to go.
Friend: Why?
Girl: Cause I wear a size 8 but I brought a size 6 so I definitely have to drop the kids off the swimming pool otherwise I'm gonna look pregnant in my 'freak 'em dress'.


You don't want to talk about it before or after sex. The thought of her sliding a nice white thong into the same ass she just finish saying she just took a shit out of is not very appealing. All you can think about is skid marks on that white thong.


My Friend Is Full Of Crap!

A friend and I were talking about health and she revealed to me that she only poops once every 2 weeks. I said "you ONLY poop once every two weeks?" That's only 2 poops a month, or 24 poops per year!!! In a defensive tone she said "what are you saying... that's normal! It's disgusting to DO IT everyday!" I said "It's more disgusting NOT TO do it everyday! You're full of crap and it's not a good look (on the inside)"

Not to be nasty or more disgusting, I asked her "how does your poop come out? Is it a lot or a little?" She said, "...not much at all. About two little tiny ball sizes." OK let's assume you eat 3 meals a day x 7 days x 2 weeks; That's 42 meals sitting in your system because only two little golf ball sizes came out. The food is basically rotting inside your belly. Hence "You're full of crap!" (No pun intended)

Put it this way, when you throw food away in the garbage the house will start to stink within a day or two. So after you accumulated two weeks of garbage and you only discard 2 hand-fulls of that garbage the house will continue to stink. Think of your body as an unplugged refrigerator; The remaining foods in your system will rot quickly. Lets take it a step further, if you leave food on the counter for days at a time, tiny bugs will start to form on it. This is because toxins are building up, parasites and worms are chilling, and having a party in your stomach, intestines, & colon! I joked and said "when guys go down on you they're also eating your left-overs from weeks ago. They're getting a full meal on your ass. That's why after sex they're never hungry but go to the bathroom instead."

I know that was nasty but I was trying to make my point of how nasty NOT dumping your dump out & just letting it stack up like a sewer can be. You should poop about 3 times a day or a least once a day.

If you're balling schedule a colonoscopy. But if you're financially challenge stick to eating things like fiber, probiotics (yogurt, kefir) and drink lots of water.

Food for thought: It's just as important to exfoliate your insides as it is to exfoliate your outside. How about you try and give your insides a facial on a "regular" basis.

According to Dr. Oz "If you are not getting enough water or fiber, it can take you 100 hours to digest your food, which is bad for you because the food is essentially rotting in your belly during that time."

-I'm about take the browns to the super bowl
-Drop the kids off at the swimming pool
-I'm about to lose 5 pounds
-Putting some brownies in the oven.
-Going to the sandbox.
-Dropping a deuce.
-Drop the friends off at the lake.
-Prairie Dogging it.
What do you say when you gotta go?


***(fine print stuff) Always check with a doctor/physician before doing this or exercise. I tried this and it worked for ME, so I'm simply relaying.

When in doubt - laughter is the best medicine!
by Wil Sylvince

NOTHING FUNNY ABOUT YOUR HEALTH

DON'T BE LEFT HIGH & DRY

It's gonna be a hot summer- I can feel it! It's already hot now in most parts of the planet! So you need to stay hydrated. Drinking sodas or drinks loaded with caffeine and/or sugar isn't the best nor healthy way to quench your thirst. Caffeine drys you up just like the thought of tonguing Flavor Flav dries up most women's v-jays. You might as well guzzle down a cup of saw dust. Too much sugar will cause you to gain weight, cause early wrinkles or worse you can become a diabetic.

If you have kids & love them don't destroy their bodies or cause other medical conditions by allowing them to consume harmful foods. But if you have bad-ass kids who treat you awful yet you can't lawfully do 'something' to them then the best thing is to let them drink/eat all those unhealthy foods so years later they can develop diabetes, obesity, liver malfunction, hypertension, dental problems, etc! So when they finally leave your home at 18 after giving you a few strokes, raising your blood pressure, trashing your house, and leaving you in debt -in stead of you saying "good riddance" you can say "touche!" (of course I'm joking)

How do you know if you need a drink? Wait let me rephrase that, I don't want to get the alcoholics excited. How do you know if you're dehydrated?

Thirst - OBVIOUSLY! Because you have that "and the chicken taste like wood" taste in your mouth.

Lost of Appetite - basically your body is saying "I don't need food dummy! I need something wet!"

Dry Skin - dehydration disables the body from providing moisture to your skin or hair. Lotion won't work now.

Skin Flushing - this is redness of the skin so if you're black it maybe hard to tell but not everybody has Indian in their family. "Your cheeks are red..." "Girl I got Indian in my family." If you're white it may not be from a bad tan and/or you're not in a black neighborhood. If you're Spanish and immigration is not around chances are you're dehydrated.

Dark Color Urine - Rule of thumb the lighter the urine the better. Golden showers are out, we doing white golden showers now. (kinda like 30s is the new 20s)

Dry Mouth - FYI: If you got the white spit aka cocaine boogers aka sugar balls aka spider eggs aka foamy droplets aka marsh mellow residue on the corner of your mouth - go get a drink cause nobody is enjoying a conversation with you right now!

Fatigue or Weakness - hydration is like gas to a car... without it you'll be tired or weak. Luckily water isn't as expensive as gas.

Chills - Hydration regulates your body temperature. So chill and have a drink (damn that joke was so dry!)

Head Rushes - that feeling you get at times when you get up too quickly. Dehydration amplifies that & it's not an orgasm this time.


Dry Lips - If your not on crack and it's not 20 below most likely you're dehydrated. Keep your lips kissable.

GREEN TEA (or any unsweetened tea)
I drink this stuff so much it's running out. Besides hydrating you it helps reduce risk of osteoporosis, cancer, heart disease, & cavities. I could go on... next to resvotrol it's the fountain or liquid of youth!

100% COCONUT WATER
3 to 4 times a week I'll have some coconut water. It helps carry nutrients and oxygen to your cells, promotes weight loss, cleanse your digestive tract etc.

JUICING VEGGIES/FRUIT
A great way to eat veggies/fruits with out eating them is to juice 'em. I juice about every other day. I don't mix my veggies and fruits though. I'll have either an all veggie drink (preferably an all green) or an all fruits drink (blueberries, bananas, & ½ apple)

WATER!! (duh)
Other than being a great thirst quencher it's the best weight loss drink around! Simply add ice (more water basically). Water is so good for you because it makes you feel full, speeds your metabolism, and best of all - ZERO cals! Studies have shown drinking only 2 extra glasses of ice cold water can boost the metabolism by as much as 30%! Which adds up to 5 pounds of fat per year! That may not seem like a lot but them pounds will add on before you know it.

Also my friend Zainab Johnson told me about Kangen Water. I haven't done much research on it. If anyone wants more info click here or here and tell me about it [-:

***(fine print stuff) Always check with a doctor/physician before doing this or exercise. I tried this and it worked for ME, so I'm simply relaying.

When in doubt - laughter is the best medicine!

by Wil Sylvince

ABS FOR THE SUMMER! part III

ABS FOR THE SUMMER! (Part 3 or 3)
CRUNCH TIME BABY!

Eating a healthier diet regularly? Check! Doing various cardio exercises at least 3 times a week? Check! Now, the last thing to check off on your "How to Get A Six Pack" list a variety of abdominal exercises!

To make those abs of yours pop or shine without using baby oil you're gonna have to do a variety of mid-section exercises to build that area up. An important thing to know:

Doing the same exercises every day won't work. It's not the right way to get those rippling abs. After doing the same exercise for an extended period of time, your body gets used to the exercise and you no longer will see any improvement. Our bodies have an amazing ability to adapt quickly and when they do, that's when the progress stops and we hit the dreaded plateau!

Doing the same workouts over and over will only target certain parts of your mid-section and is a surefire way to STOP getting the results you want. We are creature of habit and tend to stick to things we are good at & familiar with. But if you want to keep making progress and keep seeing changes in your body when you workout then you have got to start changing things up son!

I suggest you do 3 to 5 different types of mid-section exercise per session. You have to do these workouts every other day or every 3rd day to shock that body!

Here are 2 videos of various ab workouts. The guy in the first video sounds a bit weird but he has some great ab workouts:
AB WORK-OUT VIDEO

And the second video is basically the SINGLE BEST AB EXERCISE you can do:
AB WORK-OUT VIDEO 2

Why does this work so well?
As the Journal of Orthopedic and Sports Physical Therapy states:

"The roll and pike were the most effective exercises in activating upper and lover rectus abdominis, external and internal obliques, and latissimus dorsi muscles, while minimizing lumbar paraspinals and rectus femoris activity."
Don't ask me! You can read it for yourself here:CLICK HERE

***(fine print stuff) Always check with a doctor/physician before doing this or exercise. I tried this and it worked for ME, so I'm simply relaying.

When in doubt - laughter is the best medicine!

by Wil Sylvince

ABS FOR THE SUMMER! part II

ABS FOR THE SUMMER! (Part 2 or 3)

(That Haitian Dude)
To keep the fat from stacking up you need to eat a healthy diet which consists of 5-7 nutrient rich low-fat meals throughout the day (portion size not to exceed the size of your fist). But to get rid of the current fat that's taken refuge on your body, you will have to do some sort of cardio. Depending on how much fat you have and how active you are will determine how much cardio you'll need daily.

(Desiree Tinsley)

The guidelines published by the American College of Sports Medicine suggest 30 minutes of moderate intensity exercise 5 days a week, or vigorous cardio 20 minutes a day, 3 days a week. For weight loss, you might need even more (up to 60-90 minutes) depending on your diet and other activities.

Cardio is basically exercise that elevates your heart rate for an extended period of time. It's actually better for your health than weight lifting. It can take years to add muscle but in about a month you can lose body fat and look more muscular. The reason is that body fat makes you look round and shapeless and hides your muscles.

People tend to avoid cardio.
MYTH: Cardio will make me lose muscle or cause me not to gain muscle.
TRUTH: Cardio does not burn muscle and in fact it can help you gain muscle!

(Ronson Frank)

Benefits of Cardio:
1. Lose fat and look better

2. Improve your mood and reduce depression -it's been proven cardio can make you happier!

3. Higher performances in school or work by reducing mental fatigue, relieving stress and giving you more energy.

4. Gain more muscle.

5. Live longer, have a healthier life, & a stronger heart & lungs.

Cardio should not be boring. You don't only have to only run/jog to get that heart rate jumping. You have to find out what cardio you love doing. I hate running but I found out that I love boxing & jump roping. Here are a few cardio exercises you can do:

(Genie Monte-Pelizzari)

Top Cardio Workouts:
1. Running
2. Jump Rope
3. Bicycling
4. Swimming
5. Elliptical Training

Non-Common Cardio Workouts:
1. Rock Climbing
2. Handball
3. Rowing
4. Actual Stair Climbing
5. Cross Country Skiing

(Thomas "2 Quick" Baldwin)

Equipment-free Cardio Workouts:
1. Jump rope
2. Running in place
3. Jumping Jacks
4. Power (Speed) walking
5. Dancing (I don't do this one - but if you plan on be on DWS or you're of Puerto Rican descent you're good)

What I like to do:
1. Boxing
2. Jump Rope
3. Steven Frank Intense Training!

(Kyle Grooms beating up lil Wil Sylvince)

***(fine print stuff) Always check with a doctor/physician before doing this or exercise. I tried this and it worked for ME, so I'm simply relaying.


When in doubt- laughter is the best medicine! -

by
Wil Sylvince

ABS FOR THE SUMMER! part I

ABS FOR THE SUMMER! (Part 1 or 3)
THERE'S ONLY 3 WAYS TO GET PERFECT ABS
A lot of people want to have a six pack for the summer, or a 3 pack, or just to lose some weight. The problem is they wait until May or June to do something about it & before you know it it's too late - you might as well be getting ready for next summer!

(That Haitian Dude)

If you have 10 and more pounds that you want to shed NOW is the time to get start working on it. Otherwise that string bikini you wear is gonna look like ham meat wrapped in string with cheese oozing out the sides. That's how I used to look in 2002 - minus the bikini.

Understanding your body, how food is digested, your genes, & what specific exercises do is so deep that there's no way I'll be able to cover it in a few blogs. But I'll hit some key things so you can have an idea what to do. This is part 1 in a 3 part series of blogs to get you on the road to perfect abs.

Myth: CRUNCHES WILL CRUNCH THE FAT OUT MY STOMACH!
If you've been doing crunches since you were 1 years old and wondering why you still don't have flat abs, that's because the biggest myth of weight loss is that
you can do an exercise for a certain area of your body and get rid of the fat in that area. Yeah, GOOOOOD LUCK son! The truth is: Six-pack abs are difficult to get - especially from crunches ALONE!


WHAT YOU HAVE TO DO TO REALLY GET FLAT ABS
Ab exercises are not the number one thing you need to do for flats abs. Getting flat abs requires hard work, commitment, & something else you have no control over: the genes your parents handed over to you. Besides the genes thingy, the only way to get flat abs is to lose body fat & that requires:

1. A Healthy, low-calorie diet
2. Various regular cardio exercise
3. Strength training for the ENTIRE BODY (treating abs just like any other muscle in the body)

You must get all 3 of these (especially your diet) right on a consistent basis in order to even get close to flat abs. Let's focus on the hardest part first:

A HEALTHY LOW-CALORIE DIET
Healthy diet should be a lifestyle. It's easier to go to the gym that's 5 miles away & work out for 3 hours straight than it is to say "NO" to them Ho-Ho cakes or "NO" to a triple burg with extra cheese or "NO" to a super moist double chocolate cake with chocolate frosting (I still struggle with that one).

In order to get flat abs or more importantly better health - you have to get your diet in check. Control what goes in that mouth! You can't allow terrorists to get in your body and destroy it. YES, all bad foods are like terrorists that goes in and do damage to your body, and your the TSA or FBI of your mouth.

(Veronica Stephen)

SOMETHINGS THAT HELP
1. Food Diary
I'll admit I don't do this as much, but when I do it totally helps. It gives you an outlook on what's really going in that mouth of yours - cause we all forget. We say things like "man, I haven't eaten all day" and the truth is you probably had a donut here, a bagel there, and some candy bars. That shit adds up people! It just doesn't disappear.


2. Eat More (often)!
Eat several small meals throughout the day. It will boost your metabolism and help you burn more calories. The key is smaller meals - the size of your fist. Don't wait till you get hungry to eat, otherwise you're more likely to pig out.

3. Eat Fewer Calories
Not to contradict #2, but it's easier to eat fewer calories of you fill up on high fiber foods - whole grains, vegetables, fruits, & nutrient-dense foods.

4. H2O Yourself
Drink plenty of water! Sometimes those hunger itches from the stomach are actually your body asking for water.

Here's a prayer I wrote and use to say when I used to be 210 pounds. Say it every time you have a moment of weakness. Substitute your own food of weakness.



LORD UN-FAT ME!
Lord I ask you to give me the strength to say NO to them donuts, Frito-Lays, Ho-Ho Pies, Devil Dogs, triple fat extra glazed cakes & things of that nature. Lord I ask that even when my hand is trembling as I put them unhealthy things in my mouth, that you give me the strength to spit them out or only take one or two bites at the most Lord! (small bites)

Lord even though them desserts be looking juicy, delicious, so succulent, dripping in sugary sauce or whipped-creamy deep-brown chocolate and or chocolate chips with caramel on the inside... (makes my mouth watery as I say this you now), that you remind me that ain't nothing but the Devil in disguise Lord! (Just like them girls on Craig's List asking if I want a good time... but that's another prayer).

When that lasagna with 29 different cheeses, saturated ground turkey-beef meat, & Italian sweet sausage in the middle be calling my name - Wil... Wil... Wil Sylvince! I know that ain't nobody but the Devil trying to trick me Lord! So I can have hyper-tension, diabetes, respiratory problems, high blood pressure, back pains, difficulty going up & down stairs and or a hard time getting women Lord!

Lord, I ask that you remind me that eating all those dessets will give me another buttocks that will be a pain in my butt and love handles that no one will love... not to mention them causing me to buy a new wardrobe I can't afford because my ass... oops... my butt is too big for my old clothes. Lord save from the need to hide my extra "self" & from the depression caused by my unhealthiness. Save me from me.

Lord in your name I pray.

***(fine print stuff) Always check with a doctor/physician before doing this or exercise. I tried this and it worked for ME, so I'm simply relaying.


When in doubt- laughter is the best medicine! -

by
Wil Sylvince

MARCH MADNESS EXERCISES!

MARCH MADNESS EXERCISES!

It's March-Madness month and some of y'all you know what that means - Wil Sylvince’s madness-exercises! These are the type of exercises that might make you think you’re crazy for doing them or will make people perceived you as a mad-person if they see you doing them!

Some of these exercises do require you do them in public but they are all equipment-free, meaning no weights or equipment are necessary - just your own body weight & natural body movement of your limbs is needed to build muscle endurance & core build up. Oh, and you may need a wall, a floor or two also - but that’s it.

This year I added a “MADNESS -METER” to rate how intense the exercise is & how much of a mad person people will perceive you to be while doing it. The scale is from 1 to 5 with 5 being the most intense exercise & the highest probability that people will think you’re totally crazy for doing it.


Exercise 1. Bed Ups - Do 75 to 100 sit ups right when you wake up and before you get out of bed.
Benefits: A stronger core & toned abs. It’s a great way to start your morning.
Madness: Level 4

Exercise 2. Shower-Stands - Stand on toes the entire time you’re in shower
Benefits: Tones the calves which makes ladies look hot in heels!
Madness: Level 3

Exercise 3. Far-Car - Park your car far from work, the place you’re shopping place, and/or your home. You can’t burn calories any easier than this!
Benefits: Cardio made easy. Walking is one of the best cardio exercises you can do.
Madness: Level 1

Exercise 4. True-StairMaster - Take stairs anytime instead of the elevators even if you have to go more than 5 flights
Benefits: A tight ass! Stairs tones your glutes and hamstrings.
Madness: Level 1-2 floors=1, 2-4 floors= 2, 4-6 floors= 3, 6- 8 floors= 4, 8 +=5

Exercise 5. Teeth-Squats - Do mini squats for the whole 2 minutes you’re brushing your teeth the whole time (that's how long you should always brush your teeth - less than that you shouldn’t be talking without a face mask)
Benefits: Works your entire body while giving you a good cardio workout.
Madness: Level 3, If your roommate or family sees you doing it: 4

Exercise 6. Wait-Jacks - Do jumping jacks while waiting for bus or train
Benefits: Great cardio workout and fat burner. It raises your heart rate, warms you up and gets you motivated for your routine, work, or where ever you’re going.
Madness: Level 5

Exercise 7. Plank-Tweens - In between commercial breaks of your favorite show hold your body in the plank position the whole time
Benefits: A Plank exercise (a.k.a. isometric holds) is an effective way of tightening your mid-section and toning your abs. It may look easy to do, but it takes a lot of strength to conquer the proper form.
Madness: Level 4

Exercise 8. Dip-Sits - For every hour you’re sitting down at work do 50 chair dips (make sure your chair is sturdy.)
Benefits: Build up your arms and plus you give your ass a break.
Madness: Level 4

Exercise 9. Dog-Run - Power walk or run to your designation whenever you’re outside and see a dog.
Benefits: Cardio is great for shedding the FAT! And gives you practice for when a real dog is chasing you.
Madness: Level 3

Exercise 10. Ostrich’ings - Balancing - Stand on one leg whenever you’re waiting in line at a bank, food, or police line up etc. For added difficulty close your eyes - but not if you’re in a bad neighborhood or live with a crackhead
Benefits: Improves your coordination/balance & strengthens the hamstrings & quadriceps.
Madness: Level 4

Exercise 11. Racial Isometric - Contract your abdominal (stomach) muscle whenever you see another race. So if your black & see a white person you tighten your abs until they leave (also try it with the police). If you’re white you probably do this anyway when you see Blacks. Mexicans, Jamaicans, Dominica, etc whenever you see immigration or someone mentions immigration you tighten up them abs! (I could go on...)
Benefits: It helps in building building muscle strength while burning excess fat. It also slows muscle erosion & enhances the tone and shape of muscles.
Madness: Level 5

Exercise 12. Grocery Bag Curls - After grabbing your bags from shopping you start to curl them immediately till you get to your car and/or home.
Benefits: Toned arms! Increases bicep muscles and definition.
Madness: Level 3-4lbs=1, 4-8lbs= 2, 9-12lbs= 3, 12-16lbs= 4, 16lbs +=5

Exercise 13. Cell Wall - Back against the wall in a squat position during phone conversations.
Benefits: Builds your core and strengthens you thighs, saves you minutes on your phone, and/or helps you speed up you convo with someone you don’t want to talk to.
Madness: Level 3 minutes or less= 3, 4 minutes or more= 5

Exercise 14. Shadow Boxing Talk - When ever you’re talking to someone you don’t care to talk to start shadow boxing until they finish.
Benefits: Great cardio, shows the person you don’t really care and prepares you for when you have to actually fight that person.
Madness: Level 2, If the other person gets mad =3

Exercise 15. Gassy-Lunges - Whenever you have to fart or you smell a fart step forward into a deep lunge, allowing yourself to sink as low as possible, making sure your knee does not fall forward over your ankle. Keep doing this until the smell is gone.
Benefits: Strengthens lower body muscles, developes and shapes leg muscles, and prepares you for a nuclear attack.
Madness: Level 3

When in doubt- laughter is the best medicine! -
By
Wil Sylvince